Baaz auqaat tumhain khud ko ankhain dikha kar ek baat se mana karna parhta hoga. Kiyunkay tum khud ko dhamki deti hogi kay main falan falan kar bethungi. Ya tumhain aisa mehsoos hota hoga kay tum falan falan kar beth sakti ho, ya kar bethogi.
Tab.
Tab, tumhain khud ko aankhain dikha kar poochna parhta hoga,
Acha?
Jo tum soch rahi ho kar sakogi?
Kar sakti ho?
Himmat hai?
Is kaam ka faida kiya hai?
Aisa karnay se tum barhi duniya fatah kar logi!
Wah wah ho gi tumhari.
Surkhuro ho jaogi Amma Abba kay agay, aakhirat mein Allah kay samnay!
Tum karo ye, zaroor karo.
Tum ye karo aur barbaad ho jao.
Karo! Shauq se karo.
Jaao.
Ye guftugu tumhain sochnay ka waqt de deti hogi. Tumharay marz ki tashkhees kar deti hogi. Tumhain sahi aur ghalat mein farq karnay mein madad deti hogi. Phir dobara jab aisa koi moarh aata hoga jahan tumhara bas na chalta hoga aur waswasay aur besaropa khayalat tumhain niggal janay kay liye apnay siyah hathon se tumhari taraf lapaktay hongay tab. Tab. Tab tum unhain ek sheeshay kay murabbay mein qaid kar kay apni soch ki 'synapses' mein dobara phailnay se rok deti hogi. Kiyunkay faisla tum kar chuki hogi us kashmakash kay baad jo tumharay ander thi; tum aisa kuch na karogi, na kar sakti ho aur na hi tumhain karna chahiye.
Tab.
Tab, tumhain khud ko aankhain dikha kar poochna parhta hoga,
Acha?
Jo tum soch rahi ho kar sakogi?
Kar sakti ho?
Himmat hai?
Is kaam ka faida kiya hai?
Aisa karnay se tum barhi duniya fatah kar logi!
Wah wah ho gi tumhari.
Surkhuro ho jaogi Amma Abba kay agay, aakhirat mein Allah kay samnay!
Tum karo ye, zaroor karo.
Tum ye karo aur barbaad ho jao.
Karo! Shauq se karo.
Jaao.
Ye guftugu tumhain sochnay ka waqt de deti hogi. Tumharay marz ki tashkhees kar deti hogi. Tumhain sahi aur ghalat mein farq karnay mein madad deti hogi. Phir dobara jab aisa koi moarh aata hoga jahan tumhara bas na chalta hoga aur waswasay aur besaropa khayalat tumhain niggal janay kay liye apnay siyah hathon se tumhari taraf lapaktay hongay tab. Tab. Tab tum unhain ek sheeshay kay murabbay mein qaid kar kay apni soch ki 'synapses' mein dobara phailnay se rok deti hogi. Kiyunkay faisla tum kar chuki hogi us kashmakash kay baad jo tumharay ander thi; tum aisa kuch na karogi, na kar sakti ho aur na hi tumhain karna chahiye.
I am. I have made my mind. I've told myself that a million times. But it resurfaces. Resurfaces as soon as the feelings are probed with words, with happenings and with a smack from the reality. The decision seems no more than an illusion, a mirage.
ReplyDeleteIts wearing me out. I want to fast forward through all of this. Not to mention, here is the beginning of the worse...I dunno if I will be able to keep myself composed all this time. Till its okay, till life gets better. I'm waiting for the relief to present itself, that accompanies trouble.
The irony, I don't believe in what I'm fighting for. I actually want to be flooded along with this gush of circumstances. Am I being hard on myself? My loved ones think, I am. Badly. And that I suffer from such feelings by birth.
I blame it on this verse of a couplet and the person who wrote it:
Saw baar jab aqeeq kata tub nageen bana
But then again: No saint here. Just a pathetic mortal. BAH! Hey! and let me know if my conversation has subjection your brain to degeneration. We can always talk about fairies.
The only thing subjection to degeneration is your brain, beta that too because of your incessant mourning.
ReplyDeleteThe blog post was based upon my routine in harsh confusing times. If something is constantly resurfacing then it is indicative of your inability to block the idea. Itni kashmakash ka faida kiya hai jab ideas sort out hi nahi howay? Ye nalaiqi hogi, but I know ideas sort out ho ga-ay hain.
Ab meri baat suno, saaf saaf, seedhi baat. It is okay to feel guilt and blame yourself when it is your fault. But it would only classify as the Sense of Responsiblity when you not let it destroy you and your family with selfpity.
Now, I know you are too pampered but you are way too smart for guilt to be destroying you. Thats 'nalaiqi'. Tum wahid shaks to nahi ho jis ko kisi mushkil ka samna hai.
What is a healthy sense of guilt is when you accept your mistake and promise yourself to grow out of the mess you have invented and send a clear message to your loved ones that you can handle life and are a big girl now.
Since you have ideas sorted out, It would be wise to get your attitude and words in check as well.
Shabash, I know you can pull through this.
Bus.
You sound like Mamuman. I don't like that! Hmpf :P But I know, you are right. Settled.
ReplyDelete