Because it is fall again. It's not too many days away from another exam that I am not one hundred percent prepared for despite my high expectations from self in terms of getting disciplined and working an actual routine. Exam time is routine. Apparently fall-depression has become one too. Fall had always added that viscosity to the environment that one needs to struggle in order to come out of and during that struggle figures out new angles, new dimensions, flip sides.
My emotional responses have always needed a delayed period of at least a month before I realize the significance of an event that took place. The event however being so far away at the time of the delayed epiphany, battered with my rash or disinterested demeanor usually suffers enough damage for the subject to be taken up again by the same lot of people. If only those that are to be forever for me understand that. But since the problem is recognized, I guess, I myself should find ways of treating it.
Yesterday, I had wished for a syringe of Dopamine that I could just inject into my head. I cooked for the two other people who live with me. They appreciated the effort, I am grateful for their thoughtfulness. I didn't study anything. I cried for so many reasons bundled up in one. Each one being absolutely acknowledged, understood and pondered upon by me. I craved for sunlight to tear across these walls and burn my sorrow. My amalgamated, melting and then self oxidizing sorrow that is mine and mine alone.
Ek roz zameen oarh kay sou jaengay hum bhi,
Rehta nahi insaan to rehta nahi gham bhi.
When I entered the house last night, I said a loud salaam to the empty house. Hoping that nobody heard it and at the same time hoping that if somebody did, they had replied. Okay. Let's not blame Jinnat for my down-days. It's not like I have the result of excessive pondering out in the form of an action that I can perform, the performance of which will make my life smooth. It wouldn't be a lie if I say my life is smooth.
Then what is your problem?
I know what it is.
You cannot do anything about it, it's mine.
The day comprised of cooking, a two hour shower, going to Daadee Jaan's, to Chachu's and to visit Nadia at her mother's place and her new baby girl, Emaan. When I unlocked my room, I stood by the side table gulping water down from a bottle and staring out the window. The same scene stood before me, there is nothing exciting about the view out my window. A thought then struck me.
"What if this roof falls upon my head?" I looked up to stare at it, and gauged the possibility that it could indeed happen, specially after all of the rain. The cracks were inflamed and the chronic assault of gravity aiding the two discontinuous patches of soaked cemented plaster to pout, insignificantly.
"Well, if it is to fall upon my head then it shall," I walked away falling asleep a little too early.
Around three in the morning the loud and deep voices of men out on the street had woken me up. I wasn't the slightest interested in what might be the reason behind the late night need for a conversation by men that too out on the street. Many possible reasons raced their way in my head; I wasn't going to go find out.
But what did startle me was my missing sister. I patted the bed beside me, swung my leg forward scanning a larger area of the huge bed we sleep on ever since Amma left. I pulled up an abandoned sheet that she wears. Extremely lethargic, I scratched my head, I got up and searched for the chargeable light. Searching the house I found her in the bedroom that originally belongs to her.
"Freaking sleepwalkers."
I went back to sleep. The mosquitoes are just impossible to avoid. I got up to switch the fan off as my skin started losing temperature. It was Fajar then. My sister and I offered salaat and around six in the morning I went to fall asleep once again before the points. I had intended to go to school, the monotony in life makes it even more depressing. Just as I had dozed off, something crashed with tremendous multiple thuds.
"Ya Allah!" I got up staring at the fallen roof.
"What the hell!" My sister came rushing into the room.
"The roof fell," I said lamely returning to my level of below-normal-activity. I got up to find my glasses when there where a couple more thuds beside me and a huge chunk fell right where my head had been.
"You think I would have survived that?" I questioned my sister getting off the bed with a little emergency this time.
"You survived it."
"Dude, we don't even recite the Kalima during our conscious pacing through the day, how do you reckon we get to recite it on the death bed?" I asked her walking out with her. She nodded.
"Are you not going to school?" She questioned me.
"No, I think the fallen roof was enough the excitement."
"Isn't it weird I went to go sleep in my room. I was right under that," she thought.
"Vibes."
"You believe in vibes?" She looked at me in disbelief.
"I don't know, I guess, only when I get them."
"Super creepy!"
"I had given the roof a thought just before falling asleep," I told her.
"Whoa!"
My emotional responses have always needed a delayed period of at least a month before I realize the significance of an event that took place. The event however being so far away at the time of the delayed epiphany, battered with my rash or disinterested demeanor usually suffers enough damage for the subject to be taken up again by the same lot of people. If only those that are to be forever for me understand that. But since the problem is recognized, I guess, I myself should find ways of treating it.
Yesterday, I had wished for a syringe of Dopamine that I could just inject into my head. I cooked for the two other people who live with me. They appreciated the effort, I am grateful for their thoughtfulness. I didn't study anything. I cried for so many reasons bundled up in one. Each one being absolutely acknowledged, understood and pondered upon by me. I craved for sunlight to tear across these walls and burn my sorrow. My amalgamated, melting and then self oxidizing sorrow that is mine and mine alone.
Ek roz zameen oarh kay sou jaengay hum bhi,
Rehta nahi insaan to rehta nahi gham bhi.
When I entered the house last night, I said a loud salaam to the empty house. Hoping that nobody heard it and at the same time hoping that if somebody did, they had replied. Okay. Let's not blame Jinnat for my down-days. It's not like I have the result of excessive pondering out in the form of an action that I can perform, the performance of which will make my life smooth. It wouldn't be a lie if I say my life is smooth.
Then what is your problem?
I know what it is.
You cannot do anything about it, it's mine.
The day comprised of cooking, a two hour shower, going to Daadee Jaan's, to Chachu's and to visit Nadia at her mother's place and her new baby girl, Emaan. When I unlocked my room, I stood by the side table gulping water down from a bottle and staring out the window. The same scene stood before me, there is nothing exciting about the view out my window. A thought then struck me.
"What if this roof falls upon my head?" I looked up to stare at it, and gauged the possibility that it could indeed happen, specially after all of the rain. The cracks were inflamed and the chronic assault of gravity aiding the two discontinuous patches of soaked cemented plaster to pout, insignificantly.
"Well, if it is to fall upon my head then it shall," I walked away falling asleep a little too early.
Around three in the morning the loud and deep voices of men out on the street had woken me up. I wasn't the slightest interested in what might be the reason behind the late night need for a conversation by men that too out on the street. Many possible reasons raced their way in my head; I wasn't going to go find out.
But what did startle me was my missing sister. I patted the bed beside me, swung my leg forward scanning a larger area of the huge bed we sleep on ever since Amma left. I pulled up an abandoned sheet that she wears. Extremely lethargic, I scratched my head, I got up and searched for the chargeable light. Searching the house I found her in the bedroom that originally belongs to her.
"Freaking sleepwalkers."
I went back to sleep. The mosquitoes are just impossible to avoid. I got up to switch the fan off as my skin started losing temperature. It was Fajar then. My sister and I offered salaat and around six in the morning I went to fall asleep once again before the points. I had intended to go to school, the monotony in life makes it even more depressing. Just as I had dozed off, something crashed with tremendous multiple thuds.
"Ya Allah!" I got up staring at the fallen roof.
"What the hell!" My sister came rushing into the room.
"The roof fell," I said lamely returning to my level of below-normal-activity. I got up to find my glasses when there where a couple more thuds beside me and a huge chunk fell right where my head had been.
"You think I would have survived that?" I questioned my sister getting off the bed with a little emergency this time.
"You survived it."
"Dude, we don't even recite the Kalima during our conscious pacing through the day, how do you reckon we get to recite it on the death bed?" I asked her walking out with her. She nodded.
"Are you not going to school?" She questioned me.
"No, I think the fallen roof was enough the excitement."
"Isn't it weird I went to go sleep in my room. I was right under that," she thought.
"Vibes."
"You believe in vibes?" She looked at me in disbelief.
"I don't know, I guess, only when I get them."
"Super creepy!"
"I had given the roof a thought just before falling asleep," I told her.
"Whoa!"
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